This is probably pretty early in the blogging process to begin divulging the intimate details of my lingerie collection, but considering my readership is probably "party of one, Rebecca," I feel comfortable enough to tell you this:
My butt will not be restrained by mere fabric.
She is a monster of bubbly proportions, a genetic gift from my mother that is both a well-padded blessing and a difficult-to-clothe curse. Whenever I go hiking, I have to carefully consider how best to clothe her so as to a) not create any unsightly (and uncomfortable) bunching, and b) minimize ass sweat.
The answer arrived to me in the form of a SmartWool sample sale, flush with socks, shirts, pants, and....underwear. I looked at them, stretched the waistband, rubbed the fabric betwixt my curious fingers. "Wool underwear?" I asked the hostess, my friend Lindsay. "Are they for winter?"
"Nope, you can wear them anytime. They'll help wick the sweat away."
I held them up to my waist (clearly the best way to figure out if they'd fit) and looked back at Lindsay. She urged me to go try them on (dressing-room-swimsuit-style, of course), sure I'd be won over by their wooly goodness. I was unconvinced - the She-Butt has a nasty habit of eating underwear.
I stole away to her bathroom, locked the door, and slipped them on over my pre-existing undies. I did a few turns in the mirror, resolved to pick up the ole workout slack a bit, and realized that dear gracious lord who art in underwear heaven, they fit! OVER MY BUTT! Flush with excitement, I pranced around a bit more, doing some squats and high kicks to test whether or not they would slide into the great divide during intense activity (yeah - high kicks - dude, you don't know when you're gonna need to defend yourself in the forest!)
I snapped up a few pair and finally had my first real test today, on a stroll through a trail in Altadena, when I found myself palpably excited when putting on my new underoos - so much so, that I felt I had to tell my hiking buddy Michelle and her boyfriend Trip that I was wearing new wool underwear. They were noticebly less excited than I, but that did nothing to dampen my spirits. It was time to sweat! BUT NOT ON MY WELL-OUTFITTED BUTT!
After an hour of light hiking, I broke free to enjoy the fine services of a campsite restroom. While approaching, I suddenly heard a kid's voice: "Moooooooom, I can't get out!" (Cue door jiggling) "Mooooooom. I'm stuuuuuuuuck in here!!!!!" I paused. I looked around and saw Moooooooooom down on the trail. I considered my options:
A) Help release child from outhouse prison. Look like a winner!!!
B) Help release child from outhouse prison. Look like a creeper trying to break into child's bathroom stall.
By now the kid was hyperventilating. I went all toilet commando and started jiggling the door up and down, urging the kid to keep jiggling on his side. Moooooooom ambled over as soon as we freed the door. She thanked me for executing the rescue, and the kid looked at me like I was a creeper, so it was a 50/50 split. I can live with that.
But finally! The moment of truth! I went inside the stall and dropped trou...
After an hour of walking, on a sunny, hot day...my SmartWool undies were not only still securely wrapped around each cheek, but they were TOTALLY DRY!!!!!
File that under TMI, but damn. Go, go SmartWool!
What Would Ed Do?
Ed would already own the next-generation SmartWool underwear, with bionic sweat sensors and a time-release scent that smells like clothing drying in the breeze in your grandmother's backyard. Ed would not talk about his butt on the internet.