(Clarification: by "just didn't fit right," I mean, "creep up in the crotch because they are made for unnaturally proportioned women with concave asses.")
After confirming the excellent and unbelievable return policy (i.e. the ability to return pants that I bought in June and have worn at least 4 times, on verrrry hot days, in very dusty conditions, before I got the magical SmartWool undies), I set about trying on every pair of convertible pants I could find.
No. Nope. Not even close. Crotch creepers, every single one!
My head hung in defeat, I wandered past the overpriced yoga crap and floral dress vomitorium until I spotted them - the pants made for normally proportioned women with appropriately convex bums. I skipped downstairs, my prize in hand.
Cash register guy took the old pair, scanned the receipt, and asked why I was returning them.
Me: Well, they don't fit right.
Cash Register Guy: Oh?
Me: (Unnecessarily over-explaining) Yeah, you know - I've tried them out during several pretty long hikes and they just get...uncomfortable. You know?
CRG: Oh, I know. Sometimes they just don't feel right.
Me: (Thinking this is a natural place to end this conversation). Yeah.
CRG: (Thinking this is an excellent place to dive a little bit deeper, enters a full-on TMI-fest). I mean, sometimes you're walking and they just go up there. And it gets so uncomfortable - because they're, like, waaaaaaaay in there. So yeah, I totally understand why you'd want to return these if they're doing that when you walk. It's really the worst feeling when they get up there.
He then hands me my new receipt and I mumble "thanks" and trip, fully and completely out of embarrassment, as I head towards the door.